MuthaF%@ckin' Roundabouts, or how I got tricked by a civil servant

Well, folks, looks like I'm Spain's bitch again.

No, scratch that.

I'm Spain's leather-clad, gagged-yet-whimpering little gimpy bitch. That's much more accurate.

Remember in my last post how I told you that I was a horrible driver? Well, that was a slight exaggeration. Besides a few parking tickets, I have an impeccable driving record (Mexico notwithstanding). While under observation (i.e.when I'm taking the driver's test I just forked out 400 euros to take), I drive with the precision of the popemobile chauffeur trying to make a U-turn in the middle of a pro-choice parade.

That fact (belief, ridiculous notion, whatever) stands in stark contrast to the fact that I failed my practical drivers exam within the first 30 seconds of driving. No exaggeration. Just a big 'ole fuck you for your effort.

See, here in Spain, the point in any exam, be it a University exam, a state civil servant exam, or a driving exam is never to actually test your aptitude. It is always, always, always, to see who is sly enough to overcome the sleight of hand and utter trickery thrown one's way. Learning processes in these contexts only exist insofar as they enlighten on how to skillfully manage the cunning and art of deception employed by the examiners and exam writers.

So I show up to the car school at the butt crack of dawn to meet my group that I'm supposed to caravan with to the DMV. There are three of us all together; me, it being my first time taking the exam, another girl, it being her 3rd time taking the exam, and still another it being her 4th time taking the exam. I was feelin' all shades of hopeful at this point, as you can imagine. These two are nervous as hell, with good reason, so I agree to take the exam first.

We arrive to the DMV to meet our state examiner. He looks like a dick and barely mumbles, "buenos dias" before he's demanding we sign all kinds of forms.

Finally we are ready and I position myself in the driver's seat.

Deep breath.

Adjust seat first.

Adjust mirrors next.

Fasten seat belt, yo.

Await instructions.

"Ma'am, please go straight until we reach the roundabout," the examiner says.

My heart is kind of pounding, because, fuck, I hate roundabouts and feel like I'm gonna get sideswiped by every other car going round. But there isn't much traffic and hell, I've been driving for 16 years. There's no need to worry.

As we slowly approach the roundabout the examiner says, "Please take the second exit out of the roundabout". Sweet, I'm already in the right lane, so no worries of side swipage. I cruise along passed the first exit, counting mentally, "One Mississippi..." and then I see the next exit "Two Mississippi!" I signal, of course, with my blinker, 'cause I am ON that shit and I take the second exit as per the muthafuckin instructions.

"Stop the car. You have just entered a street that is closed due to construction. You have failed the exam. You have just been made Spain's little bitch"

(okay, I made up that last line).

We back up to look at the sign and I see this:

Honestly, have I completely lost it, or does that look like a closed road to you, what with the two blue arrows and the rails that have been removed so that cars can pass, and the cars actually passing??????

The examiner proceeds to tell me that I should have ignored his instructions to take the second exit and in fact should have taken the third exit and that by following his instructions, I had disregarded a vertical sign prohibiting entrance.

The other two people taking the tests also failed again.

As soon as Spain has had enough of my money, or as soon as I learned all of the possible tricks that can be thrown my way, like the examiner telling me to do things that are apparently illegal, but that don't look illegal to anyone with full use of their faculties, I will have a driver's license.

Round two is next Wednesday. I might instigate a mosh pit if I don't pass.

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