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Monday, August 31, 2009

I almost got you a keychain

Well, it's been awhile and according to my ego, you are waiting for an update from me. But my ego is extremely unreliable and so for now I won't say much about my time away.

Besides, you know I can't write under pressure.

I overslept, I overate, and I overspent, alright? That's what vacations are all about. Not much else to tell.

But I did think of you along the way.

In lieu of stories, I brought you a few souvenirs. Just some little trinkets I picked up on my journey for you to put next to your mini Eiffel Tower and your I heart NY mug on your mantel.

Here they are, I hope you like them:

1). Sister giggles

Sister giggles are extremely rare, often counterfeited, and can usually only be found for a couple of weeks in the summer and at Christmas, and sometimes not even then. They grow in unexpected places, and their release almost always requires mental tickling or self ass-making, but the latter usually proves more fruitful. The ones I brought you come all the way from the bottom of the Grand Canyon. In order to capture these giggles, I had to hike 10 miles and then while heavily dosed with muscle relaxers, attempt to lance a blister on my foot that was competing in size with the canyon itself. Further sister giggles were picked up on a boat on a river in Sacramento where I attempted wakeboarding with a posse of psychotically fearless lesbians. My ill attempts to get up on the board unleashed a plethora of these cackling gems, which I captured with my squinted eyes and saved for you. Their authenticity is guaranteed.

2). Upside down mountains

Upside down mountains are really the best kind of mountains, when you think about it. They are great for when you feel upside down yourself, at home but not quite. Best of all, they don't require climbing like right-side-up ones do, which is great for still-blistered feet, but they sometimes beckon you to skip rocks on them. The ones I brought you have been well worn in by skipping rocks on an early morning. I had to go all the way to Mammoth Lakes to find them for you. Please do not turn them right side up, as they get dizzy and may result in me drowning.

3). A crater-sized lemon meringue pie all the way from Mars

Um, I mean from Death Valley. You would be smart to enjoy this pie with a bottle of water, something I forgot to have with me while driving through this strange planet, tempting fate with my engine light ablaze, in the middle of a hot summer day. I guess I figured if I broke down and got hungry there would be plenty of refreshing lemon pie to go around. As it turns out, I made it through the mortal valley of doom and so the pie is intact for you.

4). This Song

I'm sorry, but the one you get is not exactly as you hear it there, which may be preferable to the version I brought back. The one I brought you was screamed by me at the top of my tired and secondhand smoke filled lungs in a club in Vegas at 4 a.m. Unfortunately the DJ cut the song off, so the one I bring you is not quite complete. But I can assure you that its breakage was not taken lightly and the legitimacy of the DJ's birth and the virtue of his mother was questioned in a shouting nature by virtually everyone in the joint, including myself.

5). A fertility prayer

What? You don't want it? Neither did I when my dad and his wife cornered me in the rental car parking lot and attempted to lay hands on my apparently barren womb. I grimaced and squirmed, befuddled as to how they even knew we were trying to conceive and why they suspect I am infertile even before I do. So now I'm trying to get rid of this thing, so I don't have to thank them when I get pregnant, but no one is having it. Are you sure you don't want it? I think it would be funny to pull it out at a party if you want to see the room clear.

6). Pine trees for picking

Don't be fooled by imposters. These are the only pine trees on earth whose scent in a milisecond could remind me of Grandma's cabin, egg nog, bee stings, forts, and tree swings all at once. They just begged me to pick them like a flower and put them in my pocket and bring them to you. Please be careful though as they are highly flammable, and while it might not seem like it, there really aren't that many of them left.

7). Cold feet

I only deliver the good kind of cold feet-- the kind that you can only get from a quiet lake of melted snow in Yosemite, the kind that give you goosebumps and make you not care that your hair is tangled. They can make you finally adore the sun again and remind you of everything you missed the most about your country. Be sure and take extra gulps of the coldness to save for when you'll need it most, like when you come back to a hot stuffy apartment in Spain, and reality sets in that vacation is over.

You know what? I'm sorry, but I think I'm gonna hang on to the cold feet if you don't mind.

You understand.

Sister Giggles by Luisito
Upside down mountains by Luisito
Mesquite Dunes, Grapevine Mountains by
Jim Dollar from Flickr
Pines by Luisito
Cold Feet by Luisito

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jen August 31, 2009 at 1:11 PM  

fantastic photos, fantastic post.

emotions and words and images all wrapped up to make something much better than any ol' keychain.

thank you.

Xbox4NappyRash August 31, 2009 at 1:22 PM  

The laying on hands is just creepy.

But fuck me that place looks stunning.

Blues August 31, 2009 at 2:47 PM  

@Jen - Thanks, jen. Luisito's good with the camera. The only one that isn't his is the Death Valley shot from Flickr. None of the shots I took were worth posting. I suck.

@Xbox - Luisito's face during that spectacle will be etched in my mind forever. The shit that poor guy puts up with from my family.

formerly fun August 31, 2009 at 5:37 PM  

Self ass making is my favorite way to get an easy giggle, glad I'm not the only one. The fertility prayer? Oh my, well-meaning family turn a bit kooky at the idea of speeding up the appearance of the progeny. Tell them if they want to speed up the whole getting prego the best way is to throw cash your way for a romantic vacation.

Did you like the Grand Canyon? Hubs want to go there with the kids next year when the bebe's a little bigger.

Welcome back B.

People in the Sun August 31, 2009 at 7:08 PM  

1. She pooping?

2. You can't fool me! It's an optical illusion!

3. When James Brolin was lost in the desert on Capricorn One, he killed a snake and sucked its juice. Now you know.

4. Reminds me of being a teenager and shouting this song without getting one word right. (the grunts were in the right place, and that's the important thing.)

5. Thanks!

6. They're all over in the Holy Land. In fact, it's such an Israeli tree, that some people I know are named Pine Tree (but in Hebrew).

7. Hey, I know this picture from stalking you on FB!

The Unbearable Banishment August 31, 2009 at 7:11 PM  

Guess who's back, back again
Shady's back, tell a friend
Guess who's back, guess who's back,
guess who's back, guess who's back...

Second time this week I got to use those! Nice pics. The Grand Canyon looks like another planet. Everyone should visit, yes?

Mongoliangirl August 31, 2009 at 8:23 PM  

Lemon meringue pie. Ummmmmm... And yes, I do mean the phot.
Nice, Blues.
Very nice.

Mister Crowley September 1, 2009 at 12:18 AM  

Yeah...the laying on of hands thing is damn creepy...a 3 week vacation with De la Rocha thrown in? Kick ass

Pueblo girl September 1, 2009 at 10:19 AM  

Awe-inspiring landscapes. Intrigued by the juxtaposition of such powerful scenery (you know, nature?), and the idea that a car park is an excellent location for a fertility prayer. My compliments to Luisito the photographer, and welcome back to the home of sweaty feet.

Anonymous September 1, 2009 at 1:49 PM  

I love Yosemite but am so scared of heights that the Grand Canyon would be totally wasted on me. Also, I have an Eiffel Tower bottle opener so no need to feel bad about not getting me anything. Sounds like a great trip.

Blues September 1, 2009 at 2:12 PM  

@FF - thanks for giving me my next line to people who ask us when we are gonna have kids already. As to the Grand Canyon, there are two Grand Canyons: the one you see at the edge and go "Wow, cool" and then take a few pictures and then walk to the lodge and buy a crappy ham and cheese sandwich on stale bread and then go home and think it was pretty neat; then there's the Grand Canyon where you hike or saddle or helicopter in and camp and check out the awesome water falls and experience the Canyon from the inside. The latter is obviously my favorite, if you couldn't tell. I would probably try camping with your kids in the wild first though before hauling them into the canyon. It is really worth it though.

@Peeps - pooping? Nope. In fact, I think she spent the entire time constipated, as did I. I can't believe you know people named Pine Tree. That's awesome. FB?? What, okay, what have I done? Are we friends? Did I friend you and then hide you because you took too many quizzes. I'm confused.

@Unbearable - actually none of the photos are of the canyon. They are of Yosemite and Death Valley which we went to also. I have great pics of the Canyon, but couldn't work them in here. Maybe I'll post some.

@Mongo - What? You don't see the resemblance? Okay, it's orange instead of white, but doesn't it look merenguey?

@Mr Crowley - yes, that part was quite unexpected and welcome, until that fucking DJ didn't know his head from his ass.

@Pueblogirl - thanks. The parking lot was definitely the worst bit of scenery I've experienced in ages. The fauna were uncontrollable.

@Hereinfranklin - we didn't so much experience the heights of the canyon as we ascended into it and then had it towering over us, and going down into it was not such a steep incline, but switchbacked back and forth. Although coming back out it felt pretty steep.

Florida Girl In Sydney September 1, 2009 at 4:11 PM  

Those photos are incredible. Hope your blister is healed.
Cheers mate.

Ellie September 2, 2009 at 12:44 AM  

Welcome back and thanks for the pressies. I'll take the fertility prayer. I know I'm not going to get pregnant, and I'd take that prayer just to show your (well-intending) pops that he might have things wrong.

Gwen September 2, 2009 at 6:49 PM  

Thanks for the souvenirs. What beautiful photos. Sorry about the fertility prayer. I really don't want it - I'm pregnant with fucking twins. I'm fertile enough. Good luck with trying to conceive.

Welcome back!

People in the Sun September 2, 2009 at 9:46 PM  

Nonono. See, I signed up and put my email there and all of a sudden I saw your lake picture, and I thought I do know her! I do know her! Facebook Gods, how the hell did you do that? And then other recognizable names came up and before I knew it I had three people I knew from the blog as Facebook friends. And they all know my name in Hebrew means Pine Tree. Or at least they know it subconsciously.

But I didn't friend you (or befriend you) because Is it weird? But I will now.

A Free Man September 4, 2009 at 5:33 AM  

Gorgeous photos! Your guy knows his way around a camera. And you guys got around on the trip. I think we need to do the mountain west the next time I make it bak state side. It will do your ego good to know that I missed you.

Anonymous September 5, 2009 at 5:20 PM  

Thanks for the RATM. I'll cherish it . . .

But, being a recovering Pentecostal, you can keep the laying on of hands. Ack!

Captain Steve September 6, 2009 at 10:51 AM  

Fabulous pictures, dude. Looks like vacation was a great time.

I understand the laying on of the hands creepiness. I'm waiting for my stepmom to schedule me an exorcism.

Not Afraid to Use It September 8, 2009 at 8:19 AM  

Fab photos and the commentary gave me a good chuckle. Esp. the fertility prayer. You spend the first half of your life listening to admonishings not to get yourself knocked up. Then, suddenly, you can't get pregnant fast enough. What the hell?

Gypsy September 14, 2009 at 7:50 AM  

Welcome back! You were missed.

I'll tell you what, I'd almost (almost) wish you'd not get pregarooni this month, just so you know you don't have that disturbing laying on of hands to thank. You know?

Rassles September 18, 2009 at 12:27 PM  

I've missed you, and I know you've missed me, because we are obsessed with each other. Right? Right. I'll take a pine tree, thank you.

Blues September 20, 2009 at 7:15 AM  

Rassles - glad the obsession is mutual

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