I almost got you a keychain

Well, it's been awhile and according to my ego, you are waiting for an update from me. But my ego is extremely unreliable and so for now I won't say much about my time away.

Besides, you know I can't write under pressure.

I overslept, I overate, and I overspent, alright? That's what vacations are all about. Not much else to tell.

But I did think of you along the way.

In lieu of stories, I brought you a few souvenirs. Just some little trinkets I picked up on my journey for you to put next to your mini Eiffel Tower and your I heart NY mug on your mantel.

Here they are, I hope you like them:

1). Sister giggles

Sister giggles are extremely rare, often counterfeited, and can usually only be found for a couple of weeks in the summer and at Christmas, and sometimes not even then. They grow in unexpected places, and their release almost always requires mental tickling or self ass-making, but the latter usually proves more fruitful. The ones I brought you come all the way from the bottom of the Grand Canyon. In order to capture these giggles, I had to hike 10 miles and then while heavily dosed with muscle relaxers, attempt to lance a blister on my foot that was competing in size with the canyon itself. Further sister giggles were picked up on a boat on a river in Sacramento where I attempted wakeboarding with a posse of psychotically fearless lesbians. My ill attempts to get up on the board unleashed a plethora of these cackling gems, which I captured with my squinted eyes and saved for you. Their authenticity is guaranteed.

2). Upside down mountains


Upside down mountains are really the best kind of mountains, when you think about it. They are great for when you feel upside down yourself, at home but not quite. Best of all, they don't require climbing like right-side-up ones do, which is great for still-blistered feet, but they sometimes beckon you to skip rocks on them. The ones I brought you have been well worn in by skipping rocks on an early morning. I had to go all the way to Mammoth Lakes to find them for you. Please do not turn them right side up, as they get dizzy and may result in me drowning.

3). A crater-sized lemon meringue pie all the way from Mars

Um, I mean from Death Valley. You would be smart to enjoy this pie with a bottle of water, something I forgot to have with me while driving through this strange planet, tempting fate with my engine light ablaze, in the middle of a hot summer day. I guess I figured if I broke down and got hungry there would be plenty of refreshing lemon pie to go around. As it turns out, I made it through the mortal valley of doom and so the pie is intact for you.

4). This Song

I'm sorry, but the one you get is not exactly as you hear it there, which may be preferable to the version I brought back. The one I brought you was screamed by me at the top of my tired and secondhand smoke filled lungs in a club in Vegas at 4 a.m. Unfortunately the DJ cut the song off, so the one I bring you is not quite complete. But I can assure you that its breakage was not taken lightly and the legitimacy of the DJ's birth and the virtue of his mother was questioned in a shouting nature by virtually everyone in the joint, including myself.

5). A fertility prayer

What? You don't want it? Neither did I when my dad and his wife cornered me in the rental car parking lot and attempted to lay hands on my apparently barren womb. I grimaced and squirmed, befuddled as to how they even knew we were trying to conceive and why they suspect I am infertile even before I do. So now I'm trying to get rid of this thing, so I don't have to thank them when I get pregnant, but no one is having it. Are you sure you don't want it? I think it would be funny to pull it out at a party if you want to see the room clear.

6). Pine trees for picking

Don't be fooled by imposters. These are the only pine trees on earth whose scent in a milisecond could remind me of Grandma's cabin, egg nog, bee stings, forts, and tree swings all at once. They just begged me to pick them like a flower and put them in my pocket and bring them to you. Please be careful though as they are highly flammable, and while it might not seem like it, there really aren't that many of them left.

7). Cold feet

I only deliver the good kind of cold feet-- the kind that you can only get from a quiet lake of melted snow in Yosemite, the kind that give you goosebumps and make you not care that your hair is tangled. They can make you finally adore the sun again and remind you of everything you missed the most about your country. Be sure and take extra gulps of the coldness to save for when you'll need it most, like when you come back to a hot stuffy apartment in Spain, and reality sets in that vacation is over.

You know what? I'm sorry, but I think I'm gonna hang on to the cold feet if you don't mind.

You understand.

Sister Giggles by Luisito
Upside down mountains by Luisito
Mesquite Dunes, Grapevine Mountains by Jim Dollar from Flickr
Pines by Luisito
Cold Feet by Luisito

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