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Monday, July 26, 2010

Tips for the discerned lady traveler

As a seasoned lady traveler, I thought I'd share some tips with you, still fresh in my mind from my recent week of leisure in Northern Spain.

1). Opt for the most luxurious accommodations your pocket book can afford you. Being a more adventurous traveler, I often find myself far away from my many summer estates, which often requires adapting to more bourgeois living arrangements, with a staff that is unaccustomed to my rigid requirements. When selecting such accommodations, consider the calibre of the fellow lodgers, as the inevitable exchange of pleasantries may be required, and you'll want to find yourself amongst the gentility of your peerage. I usually find the fellow lodgers at the Ritz hotels to be of a tolerable cultivation, and it is hence a suitable compromise when I find myself on the road. If this is not feasible, a lady like myself may just have to deal with the beer filled fuckers flying the pirate flag at the next tent over.

2). Upon making your reservations, insist on ocean views when seaside. I highly recommend requesting a suite with a wet bar stocked with the finest imported beverages, a grand piano for nightly entertaining and separate sleeping quarters featuring a king-sized mattress of the highest orthopedic advancements. But if need be, you can always just chuck all your shit into a two sleeper and pump the air back into your mattress in the middle of the night in the pouring rain.

3). Be sure to select among your staff the chauffeur with the most experience in mechanics for untimely roadside repairs. Remember your rank and resist the temptation to get out of the car to help. You may, however, bark orders from behind the windshield and act like a pissy bitch tapping on the glass and pointing out what he's doing wrong.

4). If local giants move in on you and make attempts at intimidation, use your wit and charm to gain their confidence.

Failing that, throw those bitches down with your weak ass trembling quadriceps, but remember, your knees will actually come in handy afterward, when you need to run to the outhouse in the middle of the night.

5). Have your staff pack your trunks lightly. You would be surprised at how a simple pair of black Jimmy Choo pumps can transition perfectly from a daytime stroll of fine shopping to the nightly entertainment offered at cocktail hour. A T-shirt can also easily substitute for a turban, should the scalp scorching sun require it, like if you decide to hike 12 kilometres up a horseshit mountain at high noon.

6). When making a wine selection, opt for a Le Montrachet DRC 1978, served only in the finest hand blown Venetian crystal goblets. If you find this superb choice unavailable, a Carlos Serres 2005 will also do, or as my travel companion likes to refer to it, "the best shit at the camp store", served in a plastic cup.

7). Being away from your culinary staff may require intestinal adjustments, but do try the local delicacies if you can muster it. If you are an especially delicate eater, consider preshipping your capricious preferences such as caviar and baby eel ahead of time to await you upon your arrival. If this is not feasible, a slab of meat the size of your head should get your shitter functioning again, quick like.

8). Ensure that the personal chef assigned to you is skilled in both classical and modern gastronomy, maintaining a synergy between sweet and savory, and is capable of creating culinary harmony through elaborate preparation, emphasizing the visual spectacle and employing irony as a fundamental ingredient. Actually, you know what? Fuck it. Throw those vegetables that have been sitting in a pool of melted ice in your cooler for days now over the fire and then pick the black gunk off of them after you scorch the living shit out of them. Gracefully pretend to enjoy burnt onions.

9). Choose a resort with a saltwater infinity pool, which are quite fashionable nowadays. If your resort of choice has more antiquated playgrounds, a traditional salt water pool such as this one should do quite nicely:

10). A swim up bar may seem very passe and even low class, but even a lady while on holiday will let her guard down and welcome a little pool time horseplay. If you are not fortunate enough to enjoy a swim up bar, you can always bribe your traveling companion with the promise of awkward tent sex if he gets up and buys you a beer from the ice-cream truck looking thing.

11). Do make time for a spa treatment while on holiday. Caviar facials will do wonders for your fine lines and an Evian bath will get your body rehydrated. For the feet, opt for a diamond peel microdermabrasion treatment. Or you can try one of these organic scrub treatments to make your fugly cracked heels look less like horse's hooves.

Remember to pop the blisters you got hiking with your Swiss army knife before indulging in this luxurious treatment.

I hope these travel tips do come in handy while you are out living the life of leisure you have earned this summer. Don't forget to send me a postcard my darlings.


all ours except the pirate flag one and the feet one.


The Unbearable Banishment July 26, 2010 at 2:35 PM  

Another fantastic post. Well written and chocked-full of useful information. On behalf of planet Earth, I thank you.

Ironically, this is almost exactly the type of weekend I try to avoid. Drinking a cup of coffee that's gone cold is about as close as I ever get to roughing it. But you look pleased and that's what counts.

formerly fun July 26, 2010 at 8:22 PM  

Lighters, and twine and cell phones, oh my. Seriously, you guys have lighters in like every picture. Stop it, you're making me want to smoke ciggies and camp.

Thank you for this, you're holiday looks lovely. There is no sex like awkward tent sex.

Here In Franklin July 27, 2010 at 9:36 AM  

Please tell me y'all split that steak.

Camping is something I only do for one night at a time, about every 7 years. But then I've never camped in a place where the ice cream truck came around selling beer.

Pueblo girl July 27, 2010 at 4:11 PM  

So what was the ball of twine for? Awkward tent sex?

Rassles July 27, 2010 at 11:14 PM  

I also would recommend a box of Franzia. Personally, I'm inclined to enjoy a nice White Zin blended with HI-C Orange Lavaburst, the crack cocaine of the juicebox world.

I am serious. Franzia White Zin mixed with Hi-C orange IS THE SHIT.


Kono July 29, 2010 at 4:53 AM  

If living in tenements counts as camping then i camped for something like 10 years straight... and i love burnt onions for some reason.

jen August 1, 2010 at 11:08 PM  

looks like a fantastic time - i'm utterly jealous.

Loca December 6, 2010 at 1:53 PM  

Wow, that looks like it was a fantastic holiday. The memory of good times keep to you warm through the hard times... in theory :-)

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