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Monday, April 11, 2011

"Hey you with the pretty face, welcome to the human race"

You know how when you listen to that one song that makes your throat get all gulpy and mesh and swell with your tear ducts and the subcutaneous layers under your face start to feel puffy and goosey somehow and you realize you're almost crying, but you don't know why the hell you're almost crying because you're not sad you're actually really happy but you just think this song in this moment was written for you, which you realize is ridiculous? And you like the song so much that you keep starting it over while you're driving down the road before it even finishes which makes no sense at all and now you're totally losing it? No? Okay maybe it's just me.

Day 3: A song that makes you happy: Mr Blue Sky by ELO

Mr. Blue is due at the end of July. He was made with love, and let's be honest, a shitload of expensive science and the build up to his formation included a lot of torment for a couple that was already dealing with more shit than they should have been.

Luisito and I have been together for 13 years. I remember him telling me at the very beginning that even if we broke up, he still wanted to produce offspring with me because we were meant to mate (in Spanish it sounded really romantic).

When we first got married it wasn't the right time, according to me. I was going back to graduate school and even though every bone in my body wanted to say fuck it, let's make a human, we waited. Luis always always wanted to at any time since the day we got together. After graduate school we moved back to Spain and we thought it would happen soon, very soon. But then I got a new job and my boss announced she was pregnant and would be needing a lot from me to help out while she was away. She was back to work a few months when she announced her pregnancy with her second child. I knew it was wrong for me to let this influence me, but it did and I worried about my employers not taking me being pregnant well. So I continued to insist that we wait while Luisito continued to want children whenever would say yes. And then the problem was that we were still in that shithole and I wanted a real home before we started a family and I didn't picture my life like this and Luisito just pictured his life with me and some kids and nothing else mattered.

And that's when I screwed everything up. I got depressed with my life and lonely and angry and completely withdrew from Luisito for the first time in our 10 years together. I pushed him far away from me and we almost lost each other, and when I think of how close I came to being alone without Mr. Blue and Luisito I feel gutted. When we finally started to patch up and fix our problems, we had to face infertility. The guilt I held for waiting for so long to find that I was no longer fertile was almost more than I could bear.

But that was before and today it's a beautiful new day.

Mr. Blue Sky, please tell us why
You had to hide away for so long
Where did we go wrong

Hey there Mr. Blue
We're so pleased to be with you
Look around see what you do
Everybody smiles at you

This song will forever be my happy song about my baby Blue. I'll sing it to him in the car, I'll sing it to him while I rock him to sleep. I'll put it on and watch him dance. And I'll never ever take for granted again his Papi who I'm finally seeing happy for the first time in too many years. Today is the day we've waited for.

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formerly fun April 11, 2011 at 12:34 PM  

Thanks for making me cry dumbass:)

formerly fun April 11, 2011 at 12:39 PM  

Also, I bought a book a a few months ago about sisters for my two girls. The book is about how with sisters, some things are the same and some things are different. I was struck by how the two sisters so resembled my girls and so much of the narrative fit. The first night I read it to them and most times after that, I have to read the last few pages through tears. It never fails to surprise me, the things that get me verklempt with the bebes.

I'm so excited you got what it was you wanted. And I am glad that you and Luis had the courage to actively ask for it. Parenthood is at times an exercise in extreme delayed gratification but there is nothing like it.

LadyHAHA April 11, 2011 at 7:01 PM  

LOL @ Formerly fun. EXACTLY. Thank you for making me weep but like with a smile on my face... :D

Kono April 12, 2011 at 5:19 AM  

That first paragraph, happnes to me all the time and i'm like some gigantic monkey so imagine sitting in your car and seeing some large, hairy man smiling as tears stream down his face...

The rest of it, well let's just say it made me smile for a number of reasons, another great post, and that Luisito sounds like a gem, an absolute fucking gem of a man, if i'm ever in Espana i'm going to look him up and buy him a steak and some beers... and enjoy the ride cuz there really is nothing like parenthood, it is an education unto itself.

Blues April 13, 2011 at 9:39 AM  

FF - Finally going out and doing in vitro was a really difficult thing to do. You think you know exactly what you would do if you are ever faced with it, and it's really weird to find that it is really much harder than it seems to go through with it.

LadyHaHa - I almost didn't recognize you!

Kono - you and Luisito must be two of the same kind. I don't think there is anything he likes better than steak and beer. Mmmmm, steak and beer, can I come too?

Michi April 13, 2011 at 10:50 AM  

Congratulations!! :) How exciting! Summer is just around the corner, you'll have your baby boy in your arms before you know it. Sending you and your family warm, happy vibes.

Rassles May 4, 2011 at 12:08 PM  

First paragraph: for sure. For. Sure.

The rest: I'm in awe of you. I just am. You have all this, and you're just starting to realize it, and that's wonderful.

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