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Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Historical agnostic icons can suck it

The funny thing about Jesus and his super potent sin-cleansing blood is that he can forgive anything, except not believing in him. His blood can wash away any sin except ditching him at the bar and leaving him alone with those douchebags the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny, while you flirt with Charles Darwin right in his face and then go off to play darts and order two rounds of Mind Erasers without even asking anyone else if they want one.

But Darwin is totally hawt and stuff. And he totally gets you. Like, his shit just makes sense. You can just tell he's well read and has thought his shit through before he goes babbling on about some theory. Jesus, on the other hand, just kinda throws stuff out there and everyone gets all quiet and awkward and it used to sound all poetic and stuff, like when you first started going out, but now it's sometimes like, "Srsly, dude, what the hell are you talking about?"

So you decide to ditch the chastity belt and ask ole' Chuck to come back to your place to kill a bottle of Captain Morgan and listen to that really sweet Phish album, 'cause OMG-- he's totally into Phish too. I mean fish.

You don't really remember how it all went down but you can pretty much assume the sex was totally NOT awesome.

And now you're all kindsa hung over and throwing up that slice of pizza with a side of ranch that you don't even remember eating, like all over that blanket you got from Urban Outfitters and your hair looks like a rat's nest and your breath smells like sour rum mixed with diet coke and extra cheese and nicotine. You can tell Darwin is starting to feel all uncomfortable, his eyes darting around and he's fishing for his keys and you can feel him wondering what his responsibility is here. And he starts putting his pants on kinda sneakily and and he's all, "Well, I'm gonna take off, I gotta go help my buddy move. So…I guess I'll see ya around. I'll give you a call n stuff."

And you think: Fine. Just leave me here in this pile of vomit. Asshole.

I swear. It's just like that time when you totally got it on with Karl Marx at that bar in Nogales, after he came up to you and totally rocked your world with that pick up line about the 'opiate of the masses'. But when the going got tough and, due to unreasonable amounts of tequila, you required a short nap in a Mexican toilet stall at 2:00 in the morning, Marx was nowhere to be found to help scrape your ass off a disgusting tile floor.

Historical agnostic icons can suck it, 'cause they don't do jack for the soul or forgive sins or any of that crap. What a bunch of dicks.

So you're left all alone with your own vomit-stained soul with nothing but piss-warm beer and a shot of tears for breakfast and you can't even find the keys to your truck which you don't even remember where you parked anyway. And who the fuck knows where your wallet is, not that there's any money left in it.

And now you're all: Duuuude. Jesus totally would've spotted me like 20 bucks and would've gone to get me a sesame seed bagel and would've acted like I didn't call bullshit on every story he told last night, embarrassing him like that in front of Satan and Yahweh and all those guys. Jesus would've loaded a bowl for me and been all, "Wake and bake! This will totally cure your hangover, babe!" with a big forgiving grin right before going to get me some breakfast and then making me a hemp necklace.

Face it. You completely dogged Jesus, dude. And so now it's time to play god to yourself and forgive yourself for all the stupid philosophical bullshit you said before you fell off your bar stool last night after those Mind Erasers. And you're trying to wash out the puke stains on your soul with a glass full of blood, which apparently worked for Jesus, but you don't know what his secret is because that shit just creates further staining. So, you try to nail yourself to a cross to let bygones be motherfuckin' bygones but it turns out it's actually a two-man job and you've exhausted the phone number list that is thumb-tacked to the communal bulletin board in the kitchen and nobody is even willing to bring you an Egg McMuffin right now, let alone come over and help you crucify yourself.

So it's just you and your sins. Buck up, shithead. You'd better put on your big girl panties cause you can't find your chastity belt fucking anywhere, yo-- maybe you left it in the car. You best roll up your sleeves and dry your tears of self pity and learn to forgive yourself for ditching Christ and your religious family and all the other sins that have come post-bubble that no omnipotent beings are gonna be around to cleanse and wash away.

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formerly fun July 15, 2009 at 12:29 PM  

This is perfect, it is funny and I wish I wrote it.

I think Jesus was a supercool guy, like a Ghandi/MLK on the verge of a major democratizing movement bringing spirituality to the masses. He got a bunch of people to follow him, then he got the Romans all pissed, got killed and his followers were pissed(like when Jerry Garcia died)and pulled the whole son of god, reborn thing out to try to keep momentum. It's possible no?

I'm not Christian but I still think the Jeez was probably a good guy.

jen July 15, 2009 at 1:02 PM  

this made me actually LOL. and i never use that acronym, so you better believe i was literally laughing out loud!

good stuff.

Mongoliangirl July 15, 2009 at 2:49 PM  

Ohhhhhhh Blues. What am I going to do with you, reminding me of the year of all I felt and feared after I left "The Church". Ohhhhh. All I can say is, it passes. And I'm glad. Just when I was on the verge of going back to "The Church".

I would if I could July 15, 2009 at 6:09 PM  

I love FF's comment about the Jeez. You and Gwen are going to force me into a Christian rebuttal. But in a good, Episcopalian kind of way...not the fundamentalist stuff y'all dealt with.

Anonymous July 15, 2009 at 6:26 PM  

Ummm...that last comment...from I Would If I actually me...HereInFranklin. Too many alter little time. :)

The Unbearable Banishment July 15, 2009 at 8:17 PM  

It’s no accident that the Catholic church’s favorite metaphor for its members is sheep.

I’m all talk with my abandon-the-church dance. But what if one of my daughters gets really sick. Who ya gonna call then, wise guy?

You’re such a fun writer. You really should write reviews for Ask and Ye Shall Receive.

ZenMom July 15, 2009 at 11:02 PM  

I second Formerly Fun - this is perfect and funny and fabulously written. I love it. Seriously freakin' awesome.

Gwen July 16, 2009 at 6:34 AM  

You have really captured that "adrift" feeling I have. I'm caught between two lovers and neither is wholly satisfying. It's a lonely, lonely place. We cast-offs from God's Holy Light should stick together.

Thalassa July 16, 2009 at 7:26 AM  

this made me smile today. it's not my story, but it's a story i can relate to. i think the failure to figure out how to forgive themselves is the reason so many people go back to religion later in their lives.

Blues July 16, 2009 at 10:33 AM  

@FF - thank you. I really do think Jesus was a nice guy and it wasn't him, it was me. I really wish him nothing but the best.

@jen - an LOL. Haven't gotten one of those in awhile. I guess because I rarely cause people to LOL anymore.

@Mongobaby - It pretty much did pass, but this is what i was going through around the time in my life that I was drinking heavily in college. That's when I was feeling the most struggle between the two worlds. But it's still hard, because with Christianity you can just have a fresh slate all the time and without it, well, you just have to learn to get over things on your own accord and forgive yourself to get passed things.

@Hereinfranklin - IwouldifIcould, hu? Alter ego. Gotcha.

@Unbearable - I know, it's tough not to have anyone to call, like on a friday night when everyone else is busy and those agnostic bastards are at some Frat party.

@Zenmom - I'm glad you liked it.

@Gwen - yes it is quite an empty feeling sometimes especially through rough times.

@Thalassa - you got it, that's exactly right. I think they get to the point where they need someone to tell them it's okay. I guess the solution is to not be an asshole and try to live your life without seriously regretting some of the things you've done, so you won't need major forgiveness for your sins.


Rassles July 16, 2009 at 1:25 PM  

Well, you know me and Alexander Hamilton have had a little on-again off-again summim summim for a couple years now, and lately he's just being a total dick. Like all he cares about is money and banks and going to war with France.

Fuck that guy.

Blues July 16, 2009 at 1:36 PM  

@Rassles - when are you gonna learn that you're too good for that guy? Dead founding fathers are all the same, fucking full of themselves. I can't even hang with that crowd.

formerly fun July 16, 2009 at 2:12 PM  

Jesus was never my copilot but I dated a Lebanese guy that I worked with at a Middle Eastern restaurant and he looked a lot like the Jeez. That was back during my Tour of Nations period.

Ellie July 16, 2009 at 2:18 PM  

Fucking brilliant.

Denise July 17, 2009 at 2:17 AM  

At least Sartre let you know right from the start that you were on your own, although I learnt not to trust the "no strings attached" guys, too.

Blues July 17, 2009 at 12:20 PM  

@FF - tour of nations -------baaaahahhhahaha. You little dirty diplomat, you.

@Ellie - cheers.

@Denise - Yeah, Sartre was pretty up front, and I always respected that about him. Nietzche on the other hand...well, he was totally out of line, always starting shit with Jesus, droppin' threat bombs like "God is dead". We almost had to get a restraining order against him, cause you know, Jesus is totally not gonna fight Nietzche. He's a pacifist. Seriously, I don't know what I ever saw in that guy.

Thalassa July 17, 2009 at 12:44 PM  

i've passed on this post and the previous one to a few of my friends and family. like i said, it's not my story, but man, can i relate. you've given me brain-food for days!

Emily July 19, 2009 at 7:28 PM  

This was hysterical. Raw and painful sounding, but hysterical.

Damn Blues, you are one hell of a writer.

A Free Man July 20, 2009 at 4:53 AM  

You, dear Blues, are masterful. Word.

Gypsy July 20, 2009 at 8:00 AM  

You crack me up. Jesus would totally have loaned you a twenty. I'm sure of it. But I wonder what the interest would have been.

Have you read American Gods? If not, do. The gods walk among us.

Captain Steve July 20, 2009 at 8:32 AM  

I second Gypsy's rec for American Gods. And this was hilariously awesome and perfect.

Yo Momma July 20, 2009 at 8:51 PM  

I have to agree with everyone. This IS brilliant! You know there's always fat ass Buddha to help you out of your jams ... if he could ever get out of that lotus pose.

Anonymous July 20, 2009 at 9:14 PM  


Snotball July 21, 2009 at 1:19 AM  

I just found a little piece of interwebs thats going to tuck me in tonight. great job blog girl this page is the sex. keep on rocking.

Not Afraid to Use It July 21, 2009 at 8:49 PM  

Everyone above me has said it. Nice like ice, baby.

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