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Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Hoping for Giggles

My husband Luisito and I are planning to hike the Grand Canyon while in Arizona for holidays this year.

You know, just "for shits and giggles", as the expression goes.

I am hoping, however, that it will be minimal shits and abundant giggles, considering the primitive plumbing situation (actually, the shits should be minimal as my asshole is very finicky about functioning in an unfamiliar working environment and does not hesitate to go on strike when his working hours are altered or when his rights to vacation days are not respected, taking my entire digestive track to the picket line with him. This is normal, as my asshole is, after all, pretty much European now).

Regardless of how shits will be dealt with in the canyon, I have my doubts about the availability of giggles unless laughing in a fit of hysteria at my own misery counts.

My mother will be joining us, who I haven't said much about before, mainly because her personage and my feelings toward her are so skull-fuckingly complex and are characterized by contradictory bouts of shits and giggles, that I don't even know how to begin to weave her into a coherent narrative that would make her a believable character, or my reaction to her a logical one.

Despite my undying love for my mother and the giggles she induces on occasion, I am not blind to the fact that as my mother has aged, she has increasingly leaned toward the part of her personality which requires her to emit this heavily polluted nonsense when she speaks whereupon confusing shit-fumes of insanity invade my oxygen supply and annihilate my giggles torturingly one by one. What I mean is that she is loud about her 'politics' (really too polite a word), which happen to be the opposite of my politics, which would be fine if she didn't shout them from a hill top or from the bottom of a canyon or from wherever the hell she is in a continual stream of verbal diarrhea taking any and all innocent giggles as collateral damage.

One way to prevent the destructive effect of said shit/airborne toxic poisoning via motherly political speeches and to increase the ratio of giggles to shit storms is to ingest liquid forms of milder poisons in heavy doses. But considering that we're going to be hiking in the scorching Arizona desert, I doubt that it would be wise to occupy any water room with alcohol. Besides, I think my asshole might inform the labor union about what's going on if I even attempt to favor giggle recruitment and subsequent dehydration over shit-eating sobriety in a desert work environment. A high-profile labor claim of that sort may even cause the entire company to liquidate its assets, which...well, ewww.

Friendly debate with my mother without alcohol has never worked before. Attempts at open, respectful dialogue often end in seizures of "Why are you mad at me!?" hollered from a tear-streaked face and insane amounts of guilt taking hold of me for partaking in giant political feuds during my short and infrequent visits.

For this reason, I first considered wearing some type of repellent head and body gear for my canyon descent. I felt that such equipment would have a two-pronged protective effect: it would shield me from the poisonous giggle-corroding aerodynamic political fecal material that might make its way toward my ear canal while simultaneously cushioning my head from hitting the canyon walls or my body from ricocheting off of needled cacti should I decide that a head-first dive into the canyon is preferable to an 8 hour stroll at a conversational pace with my mother.

However I fear that the effectiveness of my repellent jumpsuit may be compromised because my dear husband would likely latch onto me as I jump. Besides, launching myself and my spouse head first into the Grand Canyon, quite frankly, does not provide the prospect of many giggles and it may actually instigate pant-shitting which has actually been proven to be incompatible with giggles. Such forced and unexpected labor for my asshole would in turn create problems later when I ask him to cooperate with downsizing after I realize that my enterprise has gotten too large to attempt to hike a canyon of any size ever again.

You know what? I'm just going to chuck everything from my backpack and carry a tank of laughing gas, which is really the only thing that I will need to survive in the desert on this adventure. Plus my asshole can take a couple days off which will boost his morale for when we get back to normal operating conditions at the factory.

Bring on the giggles. Stay away shits.

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jen July 22, 2009 at 10:06 AM  

my mother is the only person on this planet who can simultaneously fill me with overwhelming love, and insane murderous rage.

guess she wouldn't be my mother otherwise.

maybe some enterprising soul has put a bar at the bottom of the canyon? here's hoping!

Xbox4NappyRash July 22, 2009 at 11:54 AM  

'my asshole is, after all, pretty much European now'

I've sat here for 43 minutes trying to think of a good reason not to type this one word...I failed.


Blues July 22, 2009 at 12:06 PM  

@Jen - How do mothers manage to do that?

@Xbox - I'm not THAT European! There is still a puritan element in me...besides, I'm trying to get pregnant.

People in the Sun July 22, 2009 at 12:29 PM  

Maybe your mom can find Obama's Kenyan birth certificate in the Grand Canyon? It must be hiding somewhere!

Blues July 22, 2009 at 12:32 PM  

@PITS - ahahahaha. That comment seriously had me pissing myself. I might have to pull that one out in mid-hike if push comes to shove.

All This Trouble... July 22, 2009 at 12:33 PM  

Ahhhhh.... Nitrous Oxide could bring peace to the entire world. What is stopping up from making vehicles that emit laughing gas? Ahhhhh...yes.

Blues July 22, 2009 at 12:35 PM  

@All this Trouble - I honestly think it will be more essential on my hike than H20.

~Mountain Lover~ July 22, 2009 at 3:23 PM  

Wait- why are you hiking the Grand Canyon? By holidays, do you mean winter holidays, because damn, I can't imagine doing that for summer holidays.

Mongoliangirl July 22, 2009 at 7:29 PM  

Two things:
1) I find it amazing that your ass hole is a boy. How did you figure that out.

I know I said two things, but I'm just stuck on that.

flutter July 22, 2009 at 9:57 PM  

you're venturing into my homestate! I live less than two hours away from the grand canyon :)

The Unbearable Banishment July 23, 2009 at 4:45 AM  

Have you ever been to the Grand Canyon? It’s spectacular! It looks other-worldly. Like the lunar surface. Las Vegas is not far away so I recommend a side trip to that hell hole. It’s like ancient Rome before it fell. You'll see some REAL Americans slogging up and down Las Vegas Blvd. Your mom’ll love that.

Anonymous July 23, 2009 at 5:25 AM  

I'm so scared of heights that I could never do that. Plus, I like hikes that go up AND then down. Starting out with the downhill is just really disheartening to me. There's nothing to look forward to.

Ellie July 23, 2009 at 9:48 AM  

I think my asshole works for the same company. But it's a she, for sure.

Blues July 23, 2009 at 11:07 AM  

@Mntlover - Indeed I am. We are starting the hike at 5:00 a.m. to hike in and may be hiking out at night (full moon weekend).

@Mongoliangirl - I'm kind of amazed he's a boy too and didn't even realize he was a boy until I wrote this post. Actually, now that I think about it...shit. Some feminist I am! I assumed that just because he was an asshole he was a dude! Oh fuck, the shit is gonna hit the fan when labor union get word of this!

@Flutter - I love that you are an Arizona girl like me. It's funny because someone being from AZ wouldn't have meant much to me before, but meeting someone in the blogosphere that is from AZ for me is like meeting someone living in Spain that is from AZ. It just suddenly means so much.

@Unbearable - many times. We aren't actually looking on the edge so it's not that spectacular in terms of views. But we will be doing some of this:

@Hereinfranklin - it is kind of a pain at the end when you hike out and the only reward you have is your hot car sitting there. But then we will drive to a hotel where we will soak in pool and get massages, so no biggie.

@Ellie - my asshole is usually a good worker, I can't complain. He just likes to take vacation days that correspond to my vacation days. What an asshole!

formerly fun July 23, 2009 at 12:32 PM  

I think that you should show Luisito California while you are so near, I'll throw in a brazilian wax, no? Fine, I'll throw in two:)

Ahh, mothers. My mom began her life as a open-minded, liberal thinker. Nearly thirty years managing a bunch of radio stations, including a conservative talk, has polluted her. My mom is intelligent but highly suggestible. If it would have been the Republicans, some other cult would have gotten her. At least the Republicans are better than the Heaven's Gate crew or Jim Jones.

She always wants to talk politics which gets her all riled up and forces me to go to my happy place to avoid saying things like, do you realize how stupid and closed-minded you sound? Mom, for the fourth time, they are Asians, not orientals gah! And the kicker(not really meant but I know it would get under her skin so I fantasize about saying it)Mom, maybe if you had gone to college you would have picked up a little critical thinking. Ouch, I know. In order to avoid my verbal cruelty and her utter dismissiveness, I just tell her(over and over again), Mom, you feel strongly as do I, neither one of us is going to change the way the other feels, discussions like this never end well with us and I want to enjoy time with you without meaningless arguing. This is usually followed by several,"I said, I am not going to engage in a discussion with you about politics".....We are going to visit in X-Mas and I'm already steeling myself.

Blues July 24, 2009 at 9:38 AM  

@mongobaby- I just realized why I thought my asshole was male. Because in Spanish, asshole is masculine. This gender word thing is just penetrating my psyche completely. My asshole is a dude in Spanish. And you know? Dick is female.

@FF - Oh my, you understand me all too well, and it appears you have a much more mature way of handling your mother than I do, which is to get all red in the face and huff and puff and get pissed off. Hey, thanks for the offer for the two brazilians, I think I might need to take both of them though, considering that I have more hair in the darndest places than two normal people. God, I need a waxing.

Gypsy July 29, 2009 at 5:56 AM  

Why is it cracking me up that your asshole is male?

As for your mother, may I suggest earplugs?

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